When Are You Having Another?

You fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, get married, then BAM--everyone wants to know when you're having children. It seemed like we took FOREVER to have Elena (2.5 years into our marriage) in most people's eyes. I was happy that now we had finally appeased folks, and could enjoy our new level of adulthood. We were officially grown ups now. I am a mommy; someone completely depends on me, and it's the best feeling in the world. Fast forward to today (or last year really), and now it's "When are you having another? Do you want more kids? You can't make her an only child. She needs a sibling."

Here we go again. Insert the anxiety and guilt because I for one have absolutely no desire to have another child (right now anyway). I battle with this A LOT. If I were to get pregnant anytime soon, it would be solely based on guilt. It wouldn't be because our family doesn't feel complete, or because my daughter is asking for a sibling (neither of those apply here), it would be because I hear people say things like, "What if something happens to you and your husband, she'll be all alone." Jeez. Or "You'll regret it later and it will be too late." Aka "your eggs will be dried up, so you'd better pop another kid out to be on the safe side". 

Let me tell you why I don't want another. I'm not done babying my baby. I don't want to possibly have a rough pregnancy and delivery (my last was lovely). I don't want to gain weight on top of being overweight now. I don't want to be stressed out and frazzled (I'm just now getting confident as a mother of one). The idea of starting from scratch with a newborn who might possibly have colic or health issues like numerous food allergies or something much worse terrifies me. Our daughter is as healthy as a horse. She has never had anything worse than a cold. Granted, she was never one of those babies that was a "good sleeper" and she since day 1 has made NOTHING easy, but she's a healthy and happy kiddo. We feel super blessed. It sounds completely selfish, but I'm a little scared to roll the dice again and possibly get the sickly child who ALSO doesn't sleep AND needs constant attention (like my husband was as a kid). I honestly can't see myself juggling two children. The thought takes me so far away from any goal I ever had to be a stellar wife/mother. I'll be doomed to wear my yoga pants with holes in them going on 3 hours of sleep for another however many years. 

I dunno. I've never been (nor my husband) a "let's just see what happens!" type of person. I'm a planner. We are planners. It's silly because God ultimately is in control here, and we know this very well, but I just have uncertainty in my heart and to me--that's not the time to bring another life into this world. 

I sometimes feel like I owe it to my parents and inlaws to have another soon, or I owe it to the women that physically can't have children, but is that the right reason to have another child? "We had you because we felt obligated." That doesn't give me the warm fuzzies. We'll just have to pray about it. It's up to Him. Perhaps He will place that desire and confidence in my heart soon. 

But if He doesn't, I hope I won't disappoint people. Alrighty, getting off of my soapbox now. Elena is waking up from her nap. Time to spoil my only baby. :)