Hello World.

"All the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here, just surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees...hello world."

Thank you, Jesus. I had a nice long conversation with my husband after praying about all of this unnecessary school stress and anxiety, and God sure answers prayers fast. Bobby reassured me that all would be well, and that he'd love to help me with my research paper tomorrow, especially since he has the day off. Gosh, what an amazing husband I have...he wants to spend his day off helping me with my work. I immediately thought of this song. I need to stop and pay attention to all that God has blessed me with whenever I feel overwhelmed and unsure--I have to remember that He is always in control, and He is always there. God is so good, all the time.

I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know where to begin. I'm completely done with 2 of the 4 classes I have left, but I sure did save the 'best' for last (sarcastic tone). I'm having writer's block or an anxiety attack, you take your pick. I have 3 huge assignments coming up. First, I have to complete a research proposal by Wednesday night (technically it's due by midnight Thursday, but she'd like us to bring it for peer review on Wednesday just to get feedback), second I have a test in that same class, and third I have a 12-15 page research paper due by 6pm on Thursday. Nothing can be done quickly, nothing is easy, and I don't know what to do first. The proposal I've made progress on, but it's so hard. Just for the introduction I've had to research my butt off, and cite EVERYTHING. It's very time consuming. There's a specific format to it, and it's all very technical and annoying. I have to then write up a Method section describing what test I'll be using in my Independent Research next semester, and then I have to discuss my predicted results. It sounds easier than it really is. I hate it with every fiber in my being. I should have stayed an English major. Right now I'd just be writing a lovely book report. Why did I pick this horrible major? It stopped being interesting last semester. Now it's just a pain in my butt. OMG--I wish my fairy godmother would appear and tell me, "Oh no dear child, this is all a bad dream, you're actually already graduating!" Wouldn't that be lovely? I think so. I deleted my facebook to remain focused, I've been a hermit for days now, I'm glued to my research articles and computer and am developing a hunched back!! I want this week to end already. I just want it over. The hard part is that I actually care--a lot. And because I care, it's hard for me to just spit out whatever. I wish I didn't care. I wish right now that I was the old Claudia at ACC who was happy with a passing grade. Now I'm neurotic Claudia who must graduate with Honors. Ahhhh!!!! Someone help me. :(

Thanksgiving 'Break'.

Although, it's not much of a 'break' for me seeing that all I can think about is the amount of work that still needs to get done. I have a huge 12-15 page paper due in one class, and a paper due in each of my 3 other classes. I can't even enjoy this mini-vacation from school because I'm stressing over these assignments. I won't fully relax until the second week of December when I am officially done with this semester. Then I'll just have one more semester to go! It won't be easy, though. I'm taking a lot of classes--and two are very hard. Independent Research, Learning and Cognition, Capstone (senior thesis), Women Writers (an elective), and Drawing 1 (another elective). My electives should be a walk in the park--I'm hoping. The other three won't be. I'm hearing that Capstone won't be too bad, but Independent Research is brutal. I'm not looking forward to it. This is why I am not motivated to go straight to grad school. I need to take a breather. I just hate the way there's always something else; this degree isn't good enough in some peoples' eyes. Let's face it, I won't be getting my PhD most likely. I seriously doubt after having children and teaching full time that I'll even have the energy to pursue that. I have no desire to. I don't need it. I don't want to be a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. I don't want to open up my own practice. I don't want to be a professor (trust me I see the workload my professors are consumed with and it doesn't look appealing). I'm not interested in being better than everyone. I have a goal which is to graduate with my bachelor's degree first, finish the program with Texas Teachers, and teach for a few years. After that I'll pursue grad school (when my children are in school), and counseling. I think some people think there's a time limit to accomplish their goals, or they're in competition with others. If you're constantly living your life to outdo everyone else, that's not the recipe for a happy life, and you're living according to others' successes. I'm allowing God to guide me, and I'm not trusting in my own strength and wisdom, but His. He is the reason I have gotten this far and I will continue to trust in Him. Nothing can be done without Him.